Columny vs Calumny

Calumny

Columny...

Time for some gentle ribbing of your favorite columnists.

And Onion-skinned wouldn’t write about them if we weren’t confident that they had the sense of humor.

So here goes:

1. It is not true that Frank Malilong is a conservative. In fact, if you read his columns, you’ll see that his views are quite Liberal.

2. Bobit Avila is complaining about the quality of computer keyboards these days. It’s the fourth time this year that his exclamation point key has conked out.

3. Melanie T. Lim’s column should be moved to Wednesdays. We already get preached to on Sundays.

4. At a restaurant, Johnny Mercado, when asked what his order was said: “Well, as Voltaire said, ‘Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity.’

“But tonight, I’ll have a light one. I’ll try, anyway. For as Channing Pollock said, ‘No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut.’

“‘Al hombre le conquista por el estomago‘, as the Spanish say. ‘The belly rules the mind.’

“Not that I’m not craving for steak. ‘My favorite animal is steak’. That’s Fran Lebowitz.”

“And make no mistake about it. ‘Red meat is not bad for you,’ Tommy Smothers said, ‘Now blue-green meat, that’s bad for you!’

“So, waiter, I’ve decided on steak. Skip the sauce. ‘Hunger,’ after all, Miguel de Cervantes once wrote, ‘is the best sauce…’

5. Bobby Nalzaro can write a column in 10 minutes. No, that’s not a joke. That’s what he told me.

6. There’s an urban legend that originally, Juanito Jabat wanted to name his column “One Knee to Have, But…” But they decided against it because the others wanted their own: “Pat Cheek, Oh!”, “Bow Bit a Veal, Ah…”, “Hi, Me! Pick or Kneel”. They finally put their foot down on Chinggay Utzurrum.

7. Erma Cuizon’s Sunday essay is aptly titled “Bird by Bird”. You’ve never read ideas, concepts and words so fearful of being caught.

8. Some readers wonder why Cheking Seares’ columns are so short, and limit themselves to a few ideas at a time. That’s because he leaves some of his ideas for Eddie Barrita.

9. And Eddie Barrita’s column “Short Bites” reads like leftovers.

10. Some brides-to-be are secretly consulting Bong Wenceslao’s wife on how to get their fiances to agree to a long honeymoon. They figure that if he’s still writing about P-Noy in that light until now…

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